I didn't expect the switch up that the game had, but I really love what the prologue did. The story really hit me personally there, and the characterization is so nice. I'm still not sure about the later story about, but I'm interested to see how it will goes.
Hello！I'm coming to ask if I can translate your work into Chinese.It will not be used for commercial purposes.Just to share your fantastic work with more furry-loving people.I'm looking forward to getting a reply from you whether you permit it or not.PLEASE！
Okay. Gonna go full ramble here so I do apologize. One More Light just gives me a lot of thoughts and I wanna get them out.
Firstly, your VN is easily the most ambitious one I've seen so far in the submission. You put so much work in it like wow. There are so many powerful things about the story, and obviously the music, presentation, artwork, content is all top notch! This is the most technically impressive VN in the jam (other than Wayward Tower, which you also worked on lol). There are so many cool little effects and the overall presentation is just phenomenal.
The artwork is mostly lovely and it's cool to see so many custom edits to the May Wolf assets. There is a little bit of issue in that the characters are drawn by different artists, but I don't think it's a big deal at all. The bedroom background and changes to it were very, very good. But I will say it is weird to go from natural looking backgrounds, to well-done MS Paint style backgrounds, to photos of vehicles, to scenes with actual human beings in them (ew!). The backgrounds also have varying levels of blur and censorship to them. What I'm trying to get at here is a project is more immersive if the stylistic choices remain consistent. People want that consistent aesthetic in the content they consume.
As for the dialogue and narrative, the depression parts were absolutely gripping. The lost of sense of time, passion, well-being are all relatable to anyone who has gone through that sort of thing, and the internal monologue was deep and thought provoking.
That being said, I do have a lot of concerns about the writing. And I am saying this because I care about this project and want to see it blossom into something beautiful. There is SO much potential here!!!
Okay so it feels like this is 5 different VNs stitched in one. The slice life aspect, the depression aspect, the detective aspect, the supernatural aspect, the romance aspect... All of this is converging into one here and the pacing feels very awkward because it feels like I am reading a totally different story from scene to scene. I would suggest a restructuring of the novel, or at least the order in which information is divulged to us.
My number one suggestion ... I would actually love to see Cal be made into a full protagonist. Mikkel is so mentally distant for the scenes with his friends anyway that it doesn't feel like he's a proper narrator at these moments. We see touches of Cal's concern, his care, his love, and his perspective would more throughly develop the scenes in which he is present.
Because of the constant genre shifts, I think cycling the POVs more often would help us adjust to the theme changes. Basically, it helps the reader know what mood and tone to expect when the scene starts.
The pacing of scenes is quite a bit off. The introduction to Mycroft was off-putting to me, as he sort of materalized in the middle of a parking lot. I was not expecting a new character, one with unique art, to show up that far into the narrative just out of nowhere. What he has going on is super cool, I just want his introduction to be eased into us more. Maybe at the party or when they are at the dock, we could see a brief flash of him in the distance and Mikkel could have a feeling of being watched before shrugging it off. Another good option could be moving the parking lot encounter to BEFORE the room depression arc starts.
The backstory with the parents also felt a little rushed to me. Maybe delve into it more gradually and pepper in some forshadowing about it before we get the full flashback.
The writing also frequently shifts from having character dialogue exclusively to getting lost in description. I would like to see the narrative tone be more layered, with descriptions of environments, the narrator's internal thoughts, and character's physical reactions being more interlaced with the dialogue. Another thing that stood out to me was all the fact/trivia dumping. While it is cool to learn these things, the main goal of the story should be to either develop the character or advance the plot. You don't want to get too sidetracked into the little things that ultimately aren't important.
Rant over! Obviously I wrote so much because I am very fond of this work. Please please PLEASE continue working on this project!
Sorry for the late response, as I have to gather my thoughts (and life's been a bit too busy). Thanks for the input!
It seems most of the feedback I've received has a pattern, and I might address them in more detail in a post. Hmmm where do I go first...
SPOILERS ALERT
Let's start with the background. The bedroom one is the only one I drew bcs I knew from the beginning how I wanted that scene to unfold. It's just impossible to use stock images. I needed to visually tell the numbness and signs of depression in Mikkel's state of mind. For the one with humans... welp, I packed everything after the scene in the dock just within 5 days, at that point I just had to prioritize other things, including writing. Yes, I wrote a large chunk of the lines directly in Visual Studio... Sure I could add ears to make them less human, but there was just no time to do that without me getting upset trying to make things look perfect lol. The degree of blurriness, though, was intentional, as it reflected how the POV looked at the world.
Next about the genre / POV shift. The true main MC of the story beyond One More Light has always been Mycroft. His gifts are not something flashy, but I want to put into perspective just how ridiculous he can affect someone's course of life. Hence the butterfly and spiderweb metaphor, with the butterfly finally free at the end. That's why I didn't explore the first act too much.
Besides, it has to do with Mikkel's problem. I wanted to portray the depression part as grounded as possible, and isolation was one of its progression. He always saw himself as a burden. There were plans to get Cal more involved in the story but alas the lack of time forced me to scrap it. And about the random bits part in the bedroom. Well, that's the thing about being depressed. You become so numb, you want to feel just a little bit of entertainment, but then the sadness comes in waves out of the tiniest thing (Mikkel reading something about drowning).
Speaking of randomness, Mycroft appearing out of nowhere was the thematic thing I base the story on, "life israndom". The whole story started simply because of a last-minute, kind gesture by Mycroft who took pity upon a random stranger. That, and his hatred of how the world seemed unfair in his eyes. But, unknown even to himself, the antagonist was coincidently nearby when Mycroft used his gift. Admittedly, I might have a critical mistake by not putting more emphasis that Mycroft not only has precognition, but also retrocognition, hence his "playing god" attitude.
Maybe I could make everything more smooth, but yeah, time got in the way. And writing is my weakest skill. For a project that started and wrapped in just one month, with ~10k words, and developed solo, I'm quite happy that I managed tell this much of a story. But for the next one? I'll definitely take notes from all the input I get.
Naw, I get it for sure! It’s a good thing if most of the feedback are things that can be remedied with time! Moar artwork! Make it longer! I want to know more about X!
And meanwhile you have been spending every second of your free time working on this for the past month.
It’s so impressive and lovely that you and many of the other devs here are able to produce such high quality products given that our games are driven by passion not profit.
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noooooo
Hi Erebus,are you alright?
I didn't expect the switch up that the game had, but I really love what the prologue did. The story really hit me personally there, and the characterization is so nice. I'm still not sure about the later story about, but I'm interested to see how it will goes.
Hello！I'm coming to ask if I can translate your work into Chinese.It will not be used for commercial purposes.Just to share your fantastic work with more furry-loving people.I'm looking forward to getting a reply from you whether you permit it or not.PLEASE！
Hi, I need more details before deciding. You're welcome to reach out in Discord.
OK,I have sent friend request to you!
What is the main menu song? It's such a nice and calming song.
Edit: I can't go back to the original main menu :(
It's Worthwhile by Christopher Galovan on Uppbeat ^^
Thanks!!!
I forgot to do this weeks ago but here is the Superlative Voting Form for anyone that is interested: https://forms.gle/gwZW4U4Dvgae4RWs8
Superlative Voting ends when the Jam Voting Ends.
Okay. Gonna go full ramble here so I do apologize. One More Light just gives me a lot of thoughts and I wanna get them out.
Firstly, your VN is easily the most ambitious one I've seen so far in the submission. You put so much work in it like wow. There are so many powerful things about the story, and obviously the music, presentation, artwork, content is all top notch! This is the most technically impressive VN in the jam (other than Wayward Tower, which you also worked on lol). There are so many cool little effects and the overall presentation is just phenomenal.
The artwork is mostly lovely and it's cool to see so many custom edits to the May Wolf assets. There is a little bit of issue in that the characters are drawn by different artists, but I don't think it's a big deal at all. The bedroom background and changes to it were very, very good. But I will say it is weird to go from natural looking backgrounds, to well-done MS Paint style backgrounds, to photos of vehicles, to scenes with actual human beings in them (ew!). The backgrounds also have varying levels of blur and censorship to them. What I'm trying to get at here is a project is more immersive if the stylistic choices remain consistent. People want that consistent aesthetic in the content they consume.
As for the dialogue and narrative, the depression parts were absolutely gripping. The lost of sense of time, passion, well-being are all relatable to anyone who has gone through that sort of thing, and the internal monologue was deep and thought provoking.
That being said, I do have a lot of concerns about the writing. And I am saying this because I care about this project and want to see it blossom into something beautiful. There is SO much potential here!!!
Okay so it feels like this is 5 different VNs stitched in one. The slice life aspect, the depression aspect, the detective aspect, the supernatural aspect, the romance aspect... All of this is converging into one here and the pacing feels very awkward because it feels like I am reading a totally different story from scene to scene. I would suggest a restructuring of the novel, or at least the order in which information is divulged to us.
My number one suggestion ... I would actually love to see Cal be made into a full protagonist. Mikkel is so mentally distant for the scenes with his friends anyway that it doesn't feel like he's a proper narrator at these moments. We see touches of Cal's concern, his care, his love, and his perspective would more throughly develop the scenes in which he is present.
Because of the constant genre shifts, I think cycling the POVs more often would help us adjust to the theme changes. Basically, it helps the reader know what mood and tone to expect when the scene starts.
The pacing of scenes is quite a bit off. The introduction to Mycroft was off-putting to me, as he sort of materalized in the middle of a parking lot. I was not expecting a new character, one with unique art, to show up that far into the narrative just out of nowhere. What he has going on is super cool, I just want his introduction to be eased into us more. Maybe at the party or when they are at the dock, we could see a brief flash of him in the distance and Mikkel could have a feeling of being watched before shrugging it off. Another good option could be moving the parking lot encounter to BEFORE the room depression arc starts.
The backstory with the parents also felt a little rushed to me. Maybe delve into it more gradually and pepper in some forshadowing about it before we get the full flashback.
The writing also frequently shifts from having character dialogue exclusively to getting lost in description. I would like to see the narrative tone be more layered, with descriptions of environments, the narrator's internal thoughts, and character's physical reactions being more interlaced with the dialogue. Another thing that stood out to me was all the fact/trivia dumping. While it is cool to learn these things, the main goal of the story should be to either develop the character or advance the plot. You don't want to get too sidetracked into the little things that ultimately aren't important.
Rant over! Obviously I wrote so much because I am very fond of this work. Please please PLEASE continue working on this project!
Sorry for the late response, as I have to gather my thoughts (and life's been a bit too busy). Thanks for the input!
It seems most of the feedback I've received has a pattern, and I might address them in more detail in a post. Hmmm where do I go first...
SPOILERS ALERT
Let's start with the background. The bedroom one is the only one I drew bcs I knew from the beginning how I wanted that scene to unfold. It's just impossible to use stock images. I needed to visually tell the numbness and signs of depression in Mikkel's state of mind. For the one with humans... welp, I packed everything after the scene in the dock just within 5 days, at that point I just had to prioritize other things, including writing. Yes, I wrote a large chunk of the lines directly in Visual Studio... Sure I could add ears to make them less human, but there was just no time to do that without me getting upset trying to make things look perfect lol. The degree of blurriness, though, was intentional, as it reflected how the POV looked at the world.
Next about the genre / POV shift. The true main MC of the story beyond One More Light has always been Mycroft. His gifts are not something flashy, but I want to put into perspective just how ridiculous he can affect someone's course of life. Hence the butterfly and spiderweb metaphor, with the butterfly finally free at the end. That's why I didn't explore the first act too much.
Besides, it has to do with Mikkel's problem. I wanted to portray the depression part as grounded as possible, and isolation was one of its progression. He always saw himself as a burden. There were plans to get Cal more involved in the story but alas the lack of time forced me to scrap it. And about the random bits part in the bedroom. Well, that's the thing about being depressed. You become so numb, you want to feel just a little bit of entertainment, but then the sadness comes in waves out of the tiniest thing (Mikkel reading something about drowning).
Speaking of randomness, Mycroft appearing out of nowhere was the thematic thing I base the story on, "life is random". The whole story started simply because of a last-minute, kind gesture by Mycroft who took pity upon a random stranger. That, and his hatred of how the world seemed unfair in his eyes. But, unknown even to himself, the antagonist was coincidently nearby when Mycroft used his gift. Admittedly, I might have a critical mistake by not putting more emphasis that Mycroft not only has precognition, but also retrocognition, hence his "playing god" attitude.
Maybe I could make everything more smooth, but yeah, time got in the way. And writing is my weakest skill. For a project that started and wrapped in just one month, with ~10k words, and developed solo, I'm quite happy that I managed tell this much of a story. But for the next one? I'll definitely take notes from all the input I get.
Naw, I get it for sure! It’s a good thing if most of the feedback are things that can be remedied with time! Moar artwork! Make it longer! I want to know more about X!
And meanwhile you have been spending every second of your free time working on this for the past month.
It’s so impressive and lovely that you and many of the other devs here are able to produce such high quality products given that our games are driven by passion not profit.
Just rated the entry on the jam page. This is one of my favourite entries so far.
Loved Mikkel's arc, in which you managed to convey fairly strong emotions. Also, it's a very visually appealing VN.
A strong entry.